février

sometimes I wonder
what would it be if I didn't say yes or what would it be if I never know him in my life, or what would it be if I were anyone else out there
.. that's just an example of my damn imagination I had when I got down. 
I still remember how he easily said "go for another man" to me on eleven days ago
I'm not a bitch, dang
I won't go that easy to find another man. I've made a commitment to my self, to you, and to the world


there's an excuse why I write this. I know, that it's gonna be really easy and understandable if I write my words of affect all over this place than saying frontally in front of your eyes

sorry if it's alay for you. I know how will you react. you'll say "disgusting", don't you ? but I don't care. you just have to know.

if only you know how much I think about you
but you seemed to never understand or even try to understand me. you just go along with your emotion. even you don't believe my words when I confessed my affect. I have such a complicated personality, didn't I? but, it gets harder when I tried so hard to change my self for you but you never supported me even once, you brought me down. you broke me up when I was trying to change and that feels..... really hurt.
I fell in tears. No one have brought me down such like that. I cried all day long for three days and sometimes, I still cry for the same reason everyday
I waited for eleven days to prepare my heart. my heart ain't made from a piece of paper that can easily break or thrown
I don't beg you to change your self. Nope. I just want you to do some introspection with your self ... but if you disagree with me, so just hang on, don't get angry


I have waited you, if only I could say to you.
for the same time, for less than six months. I had seen you on the first day on a flag ceremony. you look so damn white and it was six months ago. the first time I saw you.
it's gonna be really hard to forget. do I have to mention how much I love someone before? I only love for third times. the first is someone out there you don't know. the second one is when I'm in junior high school -such a memorable-, and the third is you
I never meant to love my biases, they are just a joke. I never meant to love them like this and I would never have.
and I never expect that it's you, the man I love, who is always tend to doubt me
but you never seemed to believe me, to believe my best friend's words to convince you


how could you be so blind?
I don't want abang in my life, I don't want adrian in my life. I think it's clear now who I want to walk with. I think you know the answer.
I've experienced to separate with someone before and I never hurt this much to saw you walked away. that truly hurts me. I never fell in tears like that
I love the old you, I miss the old you. where have you been? you are missing. I miss to play with you like a child. it's sure to be hurt to look at my past, I have such a complicated life so if you truly love me don't make another drama to make it even more complicated. I'm tired to be sad
when you are in love, don't try to play with it or you will get burned. love sure to has its flames
I'm so happy when you decide to stay here with the girl in black clothes- me. I'm really happy but I'm such an independent girl, being yours won't make me need you. I just need you to fill my empty heart not more.


so, I would remember this date, february 1st. thanks for all your patience, doubts, love, laughs, smiles, gazes, apologizes, jokes, and touches. ilysm.






xoxo